Telling other people...

Hi lovelies,
So today I have my consultation with Mr Withey, I'm so excited! When filling out the patient health questionnaire it asked who would be looking after me following surgery. I had no intention of telling anyone but decided last night that this wasn't the best idea as something (god forbid) could go wrong. I told my ex boyfriend this morning. I sent hi the following text: ' Ok. Well it's difficult for me to tell you this and you are the only person i have told or intend to tell. I considered not telling you but feel i have to tell at least one person and you are the person i trust more than anyone. I am in London today because i have a consultation with a plastic surgeon about getting a breast enlargement. It's something i have wanted for a while and I've done a lot of research and found someone very reputable. I am just going to discuss it this morning. I know what you will say, you think Im nuts etc but that is of little consequence because i am the only person who lives in my body. I would be doing this for me, no one else and i would make sure it was very modest and natural so no one could tell which is why i have chosen to speak to this particular surgeon. I have wanted to tell you for a while but it's difficult for me. I don't want to tell my mum because she will worry unnecessarily and it would mean my stepdad and my sister would know but i don't want them to. You are the only person i will be telling so please respect and understand that.'

The response i received back was slightly infuriating: i hope it works out for you.
My ex and i are on good terms even though we only split up recently and there is no one else id feel comfortable telling. Just feel a little alone and isolated now. The excitement i had about my consultation has dispersed and i just feel deflated (for want of a better word). Just sounding off really. Thank you for listening. Oh and sorry for any poor spelling or grammar, Im on mobile and it's tricky! Xxx

Hun...

What kind of response were you wanting from him? I think I remember you saying you were the one that ended it, either way its still raw. I know he's the only person you feel like you could tell but I'm sure he's gonna need a while to digest that message in a number of ways..

xox

Hey cazz,
You're right but i guess i just expected something more from him, a bigger reaction or maybe wanting to discuss it more. He just seemed a little uninterested which is hurtful. I am going to talk to the surgeon today about going it alone. I can stay in the hospital for additional nights as I'll have no one looking after me but at £250 per night it's far from ideal! Xxx

He's prob gonna need time to digest it like I said. I know if I was in his position lots of things would be going through my head after I got that text.. Maybe you should bring up having a BA with your mum in general convo & get the jist of her opinion, & if she point blank disagrees. Maybe then say "So IF I got one you wouldnt want to be there to support me?" All in a causal way. At least then you'd have an idea of where you stand with her on the subject without actually telling her?xoxo

Hmm i have considered it cazz but really don't want to tell her because she is such a worrier and has had so much to deal with recently as her mother passed away last month. It just doesn't feel right telling her. Its ok though. I live alone and am independent, I'll manage for sure! Xx

What you have to remember lovely is that this is a big deal for you. Had you still been with your boyfriend it would be a big deal 'for him too' and you would have then had the questions and interest.

But as the situation stands this has nothing whatsoever to do with him. He has no interest because your decisions matter not to him. He's getting on with his own life.

If you want his help hun you should ask for his help. Wanting him to be excited for you or interested in how good it's going to make you feel is a little off don't you think?

Maybe explaining that your both in a difficult position right now but you need his help would have been a little better sweetness?

I hope you do manage to sort something out hun because you do need someone for a least 24 hours after you get home. Xx

Hi cookie,
You're 100% right. I suppose having been with him for nearly 6 years, i am having trouble detaching from sharing things with him and expecting a certain reaction from him but as you say, this doesn't affect him in the same way anymore. I know he will help if i ask but i also think he will begrudge helping because i get the impression he thinks i am doing this to attract male attention which Im not at all. What a tangled web...xxx

Hi hun, I am at the stage of considering surgery and I have found support invaluable when going to visit surgeons. I am a nurse (mental health) and I think any procedure..particularly one that changes your body can cause a plethora of emotions and I am not doubting your ability to cope but support would be so beneficial. Your ex boyfriend probably does not know what to say..he will likely still be hurting from the split and may not want to appear interested in what you have told him..as if he did he would be exposing his feelings to you. You could ask him as Cookie suggested. Do you have any friends or other family members you feel you can trust to support you? xoxo

goldilockz1984 wrote: i also think he will begrudge helping because i get the impression he thinks i am doing this to attract male attention which Im not at all.

I think that's what you have to take into consideration when asking him to help hun. He has feelings too and probably as you say very raw ones.

I'd detract from the fact that you're having a BA at all if you have to ask him to help you.

Focus more on the fact that you'll need someone to be there for after 'surgery' and that its only for 24 hours and that you really could do with a 'friend you can trust'

I'm sure the last thing he would want to think or talk about is your boobs hun. Xxx

You don't want to give him false hope either, I know that's not your intention but if he is still in love with you its gonna be hard for him to be there for you.. xox

I think it must be hard for him as you say emotions must still be very raw.
Have you not got a best friend or maybe a cousin / sister you are close to ? I just think it might be best to have a back up plan if it doesn't work out with your ex. X

I do agree that you need to have someone with you and maybe your ex isn't the best person for this. I couldn't have went through this alone, it's a long journey.

I thought the surgery was the hard part but it's definately the recovery that is the hard part and having someone to share all your ups and downs with will help xx

Hi guys.
I've just had my consultation, it went amazingly well but that's another matter entirely. My ex has said he'll be there for me but that this is very hard for him. He is still in love with me and has asked for some time to himself so he can get over the breakup. His emotions are still very raw and it was selfish of me to ask for his help and tell him about this at all. I dont have any cousins and i don't speak to my sister. I have a tonne of friends but i don't have any who i believe will understand. Plus if i tell one, they'll all find out soon enough which i definitely don't want. Xxx

I guess you need to try another option then lovely. It wouldn't be fair to expect this from him especially if he's told you how he feels.. I'm sorry it didn't turn out how you'd planned.

Glad consultation went well tho. Do fill us in xox

really good to read you had a good consultation lovely.

you really do need someone hun and I wish you well in finding the right person to be there for you xx

Thanks girls, that's sweet of you.to be honest, i think Im just going to go it alone. The help i receive on here is invaluable and i know i can give my ex a call if need be but there's no one else i genuinely would be comfortable telling. Will tell you all about my consultation later, Im so excited!!

Goldilocks I agree with cookie you do really need someone there. I think you should try broach the subj to your mum maybe casually like I said before as it seems the only option?xox

You really will need someone there for you Hun. Physically and emotionally.
Have you not got a best best life long friend,? One that's always there for you no matter what and could keep it bewtween just you and her?

I'm sure your closest friend would understand . I'm lucky I have a lot of support but you'd be surprised that one close friend would understand. If not a few. After all that's what friends are, support friends through things and are happy for them.

I don't believe it's a good idea to ask your ex especially as what he's now told you and laid it on the line. It wouldn't be good for you either Hun, a ba is not just a psychical journey it's an emotional one And if all the raw emotions are there it wouldn't be a good mix . As after you have been through the recovery and then told him he's no longer needed I think that'd crush him even more!

I hope you find someone x

Maybe cazz but i can predict how it'll go. My mum will say not to be silly and Im perfect the way i am etc. She will discuss it with my stepdad and it just generally won't go down well and they'll wonder how i can afford it (I've been saving for 5 years). Just generally don't feel comfortable with the idea of sharing something so private and personal. I know she's my mum but she's also coming from a completely different perspective and won't understand (mum and sister have very large breasts. I probably should have too but was anorexic during my teens so have what the Dr called 'empty' breasts). It's ok though. I've got you guys and I've been through a lot recently so i know Im capable of going it alone if need be Xxxx

Hi Mrs ball,
I do have a lifelong best friend but there's no way i could tell her as her mum is my mum's best friend! I have a few other friends id consider confiding in. I just i had a friend who'd had a ba before!

If you listen to nothing else on this forum please listen to what everyone is trying to explain to you lovely.

Everyone who has responded to you aside from cupcake has had a BA. We KNOW what its going to be like in the first 24 hours when you get home and you will need someone just for a day babe, to ensure you have all you need at hand for yourself and that you havent forgotten anything that they can be there to do for you (no matter how organised you think you are you can never be prepared) and most importantly to ensure your safety babe.

I really would urge you before you take the next step toward having your BA that you have someone in place you can lean on at least for the first 24 hours hun.

we speak from experience lovely and it will be in your best interest to have that one person to be there for you.

I feel so sad actually that you're in this position and dont have a single person you can trust. If I could be there for you lovely... Id be there in a second xx

Hi goldilockz,you really are going to need someone to carry your bag from the hospital and get you home!!,even when you get home making a cuppa can be a bit too much for you straight after a ba !! Im sure your mum would rather know your having surgery ,she wont be happy to find out at a later date that you didnt trust her enough to understand that you wanted this for so long,im sure she would happily look after you for a day or two! Can you try broach the subject of a ba with her? I hope you can sort something out !xxx

Cookies so right hunny, that first 24 hours is crutial to have someone with you and be aware of what your having done. It's a major operation hunny and ANYTHING can happen in that first couple of days. I'm not trying to scare you and you may well Have the easiest recovery in the world, however the affects of a ga and pain killers can leave you sick, nauseous and if you are unlucky enough ro be sick through it you need someone there sweetness.
Some girls have even said they can't flush the toilet themselves for the 1st few days!!! and on day 3 the soreness and swelling really kicks in and also the crying! Most of us get the boobie blues at some point and to be feeling like that AND have no one to even give you hug or make you a cup of tea will not be good for hunny, emotionally xxx

It's not just the first 24hours either, my worst days were 3-5!xox

Hi guys,

I appreciate your kind words everyone, I really do. I will ask my ex a few weeks down the line whether he thinks he might be prepared to stay with me for a few days to help. If not, then I will seriously consider telling my mum. It's not that I don't trust her, it's that I'm a very private person and I know (as I'm sure you do) what people are like when it comes to cosmetic surgery. I am very private with my body and don't want to be the subject of gossip. I know my mum wouldn't gossip, but it's not just about telling her: she'd HAVE to tell my stepdad and then it could very possibly richochet into the whole family knowing. So it's not that I don't trust her, I just want to do this for me and not the reasons people automatically suspect (i.e. I want to be a glamour model or attract male attention!) However, I really do appreciate what you are saying and will have a good think about who I can ask for support and help. I might write my mum a long email explaining how I feel and see what she says. Thanks again guys xxx