Husband not happy

by Boudicca 1st March 2009, 8:20 pm

I am now 43 and have finally decided to take the plunge and have booked a consultation for 5th March but my husband is absolutely against me having the procedure and in fact refuses to discuss anything with me. I feel quite let down as we have been together since we were 16 and I have always supported him in whatever it was he wished to persue. I feel quite alone and am worried that I won't cope because I don't have his support. Also I have a daughter of 17, and whereas I have nothing she my sweet girl is a 34E..........where is the justice in the world!!!! and a son of 13 and where I have found it easy to tell my daughter I have no idea how to begin to tell my son. Without my husbands support I am just feeling very unconfident and can't believe that I actually have made the appointment - infact I don't think hubby can believe it either. I'm sorry because I probably sound ridiculous but I have no family near me and my friends all live too far away to actually get support from. I feel at my grand old age I should be more composed but i'm sure that just like everyone this feels like such a huge step and I feel completely alone and a bit helpless. I have always felt inadequate due to my breast size and my husband has always known this but maybe he just can't get his head around just how unhappy it can make me feel. It doesn't go away, it's there all the time, because your self esteem is wrapped up in how you feel about yourself....... I'm sorry if I sound pathetic but has anyone else had this type of reaction or am I just very unlucky:roll:

by Angelpie 1st March 2009, 8:32 pm

Oh dear, poor you. :sad: It doesn't matter how old you are this is still a big step and would be made so much easier for you to have the support of your husband. Do you think that he is perhaps a little frightened? You know, worried about you going through an op? Worried about why you're having it done... blokes can get a little un-nerved! Does he realise you're doing it for you etc etc. Perhaps if you can sit down and really have a good old heart to heart about how you really feel and try to involve him as much as possible and reassure him that you will still be you... but a far more happy you. I dunno babe, it's a tricky one. I hope you can talk things through with him and maybe discus how you both feel. Good luck hun.

Angel xx

by **nads** 1st March 2009, 8:32 pm

Im so sorry he's not supporting you hun, have you sat down and told him how much it means to you (im sure you have) alot of men seem to react like this when they're scared or worried about their ladies, maybe he needs more reassurance you're not going to run off with another man (which alot seem to worry about too)
No one bats an eyelid when men want to go to the gyms to make their chest and pecs more prominent and to look more manly, but when a woman wants to improve herself through surgery theres alot more response.
I'm sure he will come around. I did my boob job alone and was fine, just needed help getting home and when i got home for the first 2 days, im sure your daughter will help you out too xxx

by Boudicca 1st March 2009, 8:39 pm

Thanks Angelpie for the reply. I have tried so very hard to explain why I want this and have actually tried to have this conversation with him since we were in our twenties but he just shuts down and refuses to listen. We work together and on the way home the other day he blurted out that "I was going to leave him" which is ridiculous. I adore him, have always loved him to bits and we have been together for 27 years for goodness sake!!!! Our kids even laugh at how much we behave like the children, he's my absolute best friend and that is why him not even being willing to discuss any aspect of something that is so important to me is emotionally tearing me apart. I really need this op, I really really do....... RIDICULOUS!!!!

by Boudicca 1st March 2009, 8:44 pm

Thanks Nad, this is what I need some support. People who really get what i'm saying. I'm going to sound selfish now but I feel as a woman, wife and Mum I have put myself second, third, fourth etc., etc., quite a lot and now I want something for myself and sometimes I feel like just being **naughty word** obstinate and saying well "This is you problem now, not mine and i'm going for it" and then this little voice in my head says "who are you kidding". I am a very strong person and the fact that I have made this appointment tells me that I really want to do it and your right my lovely girl will support me and not be judgmental because she's a great girl and has an insight I think maybe only another woman has!!! Thanks for replying.

by **nads** 1st March 2009, 8:46 pm

I completely understand, the mother usually does put everyone first for many years, its your time to shine now hun, if you feel really strongly about it, just go for it! xxx

by Boudicca 1st March 2009, 8:47 pm

OMG sorry if I said a "naughty word" previous I will not let this happen again. OMG what is happening I don't normally type down "naughty words" obviously got carried away. I apologise profusely!!!!!!

by **nads** 1st March 2009, 8:51 pm

by _Carrie_ 1st March 2009, 8:56 pm

Hello...

I totally understand how you feel and I see no reason why you shouldn't get to put yourself first this time. I am a mother and I know what it's like. It sounds like this is really important to you, not just a whim, and something that you've been thinking about for many years.

This may sound a bit extreme, but could you try counselling together? It sounds like he has trust issues and is shutting down rather than listening to your valid reasons. He needs to understand that he is pushing you away in refusing to acknowledge your body issues....every single woman on this board knows just how miserable it can make you, and men, as a rule, don't get it. A counsellor could help him see that he HAS to listen to you or he is denying you a massive right. Maybe worth a shot? He would at least have to give you the time of day or he would feel a fool in front of a professional.

It might also help if you showed him pics of how natural you could look? It's not all about page 3 models and massive fake boobs...and I think a lot of men think it is.

Or is it the money? It can be very affordable. People get cars on finance every day - why not something as life-changing as this??

All I can say is that I have been desperately unhappy since my teens and I can already say that the boob job I had done almost 3 weeks ago is the best thing I have ever done (apart from having my children of course!!) It has made such a difference to me, I just wish I had done it 10 years ago.

If you feel strongly enough about this then it's very important that he listens to you...

Good luck

C x

by Boudicca 1st March 2009, 9:05 pm

Thanks Carrie, everyone on here seems so very supportive and really do understand. His mentality is that of a child, if I ignore it, it will go away....... Obviously it won't and at some point it will come to a head. Dreading it all really.

by Angelpie 1st March 2009, 9:46 pm

Boudicca wrote:Thanks Angelpie for the reply. I have tried so very hard to explain why I want this and have actually tried to have this conversation with him since we were in our twenties but he just shuts down and refuses to listen. We work together and on the way home the other day he blurted out that "I was going to leave him" which is ridiculous. I adore him, have always loved him to bits and we have been together for 27 years for goodness sake!!!! Our kids even laugh at how much we behave like the children, he's my absolute best friend and that is why him not even being willing to discuss any aspect of something that is so important to me is emotionally tearing me apart. I really need this op, I really really do....... RIDICULOUS!!!!

The part I have highlighted is the important part. You've been together years, you want to change something, he's scared. This is the bit that needs addresing. You need to reassure him that he is still important to you and that you love him. Hey, how about renewing your wedding vows... new boobs in a goreous dress... but reinforcing the message that he's still important. Slowly, slowly... men are strange creatures!

Oh and Boudicca, I'm 42 and have 2 children... I had all the fears that you are currently having. Hug

by Boudicca 1st March 2009, 9:59 pm

I agree and I know what your saying is true and that is why I have tried so hard to discuss this with him. If this was a new thing for me then I would understand but he has heard me moaning, groaning and generally feeling bad about myself because of my boobs - so this is not something I have all of a sudden wanted to change!!!! and if he won't even discuss it how can we move on. There is no answer other than just go for the consultation and book my op and hope that he begins to realise I intend to do this and starts talking to me.

by amanda2k10 1st March 2009, 10:55 pm

not that its right but i think some men like you to have insecuritys so that 1 you wont leave them and 2 it makes them feel better about themselves. if you have no insecuritys it scares the s**t out of them coz they think if your confitent you will stray. terrible i know but i have seen this sooo many times. i think everyone has there right to happiness hunni so go for it thats what i say.
hugs
amanda
xxxxxxx

by moonmar 2nd March 2009, 12:44 am

...sounds like your husband needs some reassurance that you won't leave him after your BA! Stillnot good of him that he's not supporting you , but it looks like it's coming because this makes him feel really insecure. Give him a bit of time to get used to the idea and he ight warm up to it - and i am sure once he realises you are not going to run off, he'll love your new boobs!

by mariajw 2nd March 2009, 1:18 am

weichardt wrote:not that its right but i think some men like you to have insecuritys so that 1 you wont leave them and 2 it makes them feel better about themselves. if you have no insecuritys it scares the s**t out of them coz they think if your confitent you will stray. terrible i know but i have seen this sooo many times. i think everyone has there right to happiness hunni so go for it thats what i say.
hugs
amanda
xxxxxxx

Amanda's right. He's feeling insecure about you becoming more beautiful and more confident.

Stay strong hunni. He will come round eventually because he'll have to when he sees you're going to do it even without his support.

Just reassure him whenever you get the chance, maybe write your feelings down in a letter to him.

Good luck.

Maria
xx

by blondie63 8th March 2009, 4:22 pm

Hi just wanted to say i know how you feel, i have just had my ba 6 days ago, but have waited years for it.
My hubby at first couldnt understand why i wanted it, especially at my age, 45, Cheek of it!! said i was fine as i was & didnt like the thought of me having foreign things inside me, i think it was more the cost & also that he thought they would need changing after 10 years, more money!
Anyway over the last couple of years i persisted, said i was doing it for me & not anyone else and that i still had a good few years left in me, ha ha! He finally came round to it & actually started looking forward to my new boobies, just keep talking to him & tell him how much it means to you !
Anyway i hope this helps.

how was your consultation on the 5th, did he go with you?

xxxxx

by missmarie60 8th March 2009, 9:29 pm

_Carrie_ wrote:Hello...

I totally understand how you feel and I see no reason why you shouldn't get to put yourself first this time. I am a mother and I know what it's like. It sounds like this is really important to you, not just a whim, and something that you've been thinking about for many years.

This may sound a bit extreme, but could you try counselling together? It sounds like he has trust issues and is shutting down rather than listening to your valid reasons. He needs to understand that he is pushing you away in refusing to acknowledge your body issues....every single woman on this board knows just how miserable it can make you, and men, as a rule, don't get it. A counsellor could help him see that he HAS to listen to you or he is denying you a massive right. Maybe worth a shot? He would at least have to give you the time of day or he would feel a fool in front of a professional.

It might also help if you showed him pics of how natural you could look? It's not all about page 3 models and massive fake boobs...and I think a lot of men think it is.

Or is it the money? It can be very affordable. People get cars on finance every day - why not something as life-changing as this??

All I can say is that I have been desperately unhappy since my teens and I can already say that the boob job I had done almost 3 weeks ago is the best thing I have ever done (apart from having my children of course!!) It has made such a difference to me, I just wish I had done it 10 years ago.

If you feel strongly enough about this then it's very important that he listens to you...

Good luck

C x

by missmarie60 8th March 2009, 9:37 pm

sorry guys i was trying to take a quote from that and i got it wrong, sorry carrie, not very knowledgable on things like that lol.. anyway, i was going to say i thought carrie's idea about showing him some pics to let him see how natural you can look may make him think about it a bit differently. i am sure as you have been together so long that he will eventually come round, i think he realises that it will make you so much more confident and it seems he is afraid of losing you, but he should trust and respect your descision and support you in this. glad you are doing it.....its definately something that you have always wanted, i cant wait for mine and i am 48yrs old.....just go for it and your hubby will love them when he sees them.

good luck marie x x x

by _Carrie_ 9th March 2009, 9:13 am

LOL...I can't get the hang of the quote thing either! Always mess it up so would appreciate a lesson!!

Just wondering if you'd made any progress, Boudicca??

C x

by **nads** 9th March 2009, 4:29 pm

_Carrie_ wrote:LOL...I can't get the hang of the quote thing either! Always mess it up so would appreciate a lesson!!

I'll write up a post in FAQs for you girls x

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