Divorce

Hey Girls.. Am I being unreasonable and selfish? My husband, who serves away from home,  came home at the weekend and basically told me that if I go ahead with surgery he will divorce me! I think it's a bit extreme but he feels he is being reasonable as he doesn't want me to go ahead.. I have always maintained I'm getting this done for me and he told me he would support me however after me paying for it in full, he has changed his mind and gave me ultimatum.. He then proceeded to tell our son what I was doing, he's 9 and doesn't need to know these things.. I certainly wouldn't ever have done that. He told his mother, and whoever else was willing to listen.. I'm so upset because I'm a private person and don't pry into other peoples lives and to me, this is personal and I should be able to decide who I tell and when.. I don't know what to do.. :( x

Oh honey, what a horrible situation to find yourself in.
You aren't being unreasonable or selfish, it's your body and you have every right to be happy with it. You've given him a beautiful son, i don't think men can have any idea the toll physically that can have. I love my children dearly, but my body and self image definately suffered after having my babies.

Why does he feel so strongly about this? What is he scared of? I think to threaten divorce is terribly unfair, but i suspect it's a bluff! I don't know your husband, but sometimes in my relationship we struggle to communicate about difficult things - one of us either shuts down or it ends in an argument. Perhaps with him working away you could write him a letter? Explaining your reasons for wanting this, the fact that you love him and need his support? It must be so tempting to take him up on his offer (you are rightly fuming about him telling people) but it's your marriage and it sounds like he has been majorly spooked by something. He was supporting you before, perhaps it's just suddenly become real for him?

Sending you hugs  Good luck with it xx

Thanks MissCET.. My husband and I had a terrible year to be honest and nearly walked out on him a few times. He doesn't really support me and I have brought my son up on my own.. Which is fair, considering he's had his career, and I feel you have to compromise.. I've supported him through it all. He says in order for our marriage to work I need to understand why he doesn't want me to go through with it! Because he finds it disgusting.. xx

I think you need to imagine what would happen if you didn't go ahead? Could your marriage survive this ultimatum? It seems a little bit sneaky for him to do this after you've paid in full, i assume knowing that you would now lose all this money? I suspect you would never forgive him if he forced you to cancel. 
On that basis i think you should go ahead and call his bluff. Perhaps he will come round? Although you may have to be prepared for the fact that he won't. What you do have to remember is that whatever happens to your marriage is not your fault. You having this Op has not caused your relationship to breakdown - as you said yourself, there are wider issues at play here. Have you told any of your family and friends? Do you have someone who can support you with this? xx

Hi, I'm so sorry for you, what you are going through is terrible. It sounds however like there may be more to this than meets the eye, has he been talking to someone who has influenced him do you think? Also the fact that he has betrayed your confidence to all and sundry is a huge concern and to be honest whether you decide to go ahead with you BA or not you need to address this and ask yourself if you think you can trust him in the future. Of course he may be feeling insecure about what a BA could do for your confidence but surely he should be happy to see you feeling good about yourself, on the other hand maybe he wants to remain in control and he could subconsciously be testing you, but at the end of the day yes you are married but that doesn't make you one person, you are two individuals who should share life's journey together but it won't work if one is more dominant over the other. I'm so sorry for you but you do have choices and I suspect it doesn't just boil down to the BA you have to look at the wider picture here, I wonder if you don't go ahead will you be happy in the long term ? Lots of love to you xxx

So sorry you are going through this honey.

Has he said what he means by disgusting?

To be honest if he has been supportive until now then he is being totally unfair! Is he worried about what will happen once you've had the surgery?

He really needs to tell you exactly what is bothering him and you remind him exactly why you want this procedure.

Big hugs xxx

oh no wonderwoman ....

          

I recall you saying you had paid up for the twinnies ..

honestly dont know what to say ... i broke up with my OH right after my last consultation and one of his reasons was i was selfish cos i insisted on having my BA on the 2nd and he wanted the 11th ..

Hun - hold strong - hold tight ... its a hard one and either way you go, you will have to make some sort of sacrifice - so do whats BEST for YOU and YOUR SON!!!

NOONE else is more important

Do hold out strong

Oh Wonderwoman, I'm with MissC on this her advice is right on the button. You need to dig deep in your mind and listen to the thoughts that are dominating. Could you be without him? Could this be a whole new chapter for you on your own? Are you happy with your marriage? He's been very, very selfish and cruel, you're going to be feeling so vulnerable right now as it is, giving your having a major op in a few weeks. Have you tried sitting down with him and showing him before and after pics, in case he has an illusion you're going to come out looking like Courtney Stodden, men can be so ignorant and have blinkers on that he may not realise actually how beautiful and unfake a BA can look.
You're doing this for you, you have a right to your own choices in life, does he make his own choices in life with consulting and involving you, say shoe was on other foot, would he just go ahead and do something even if you've said 'no' and not agreed with his decision?
I understand what you say about supporting him through his career, but what about you? What if you want a career, who supports you, too often when women become Mothers they are almost faded into society as typical stereotypes. I have so much respect for all the Mum's on here who have grabbed their own life by the balls and gone ahead with their ops. Your forum name is very app 'Wonderwoman' indeed for bringing up your son on your own, who I'm sure makes you proud everyday.
Be strong, thoughts and feelings are only chemical reactions to triggers that surround us. Have you felt an almost Euphoric feeling when thinking of the outcome of your BA? When you read the post op posts of some women on here, most of them agree it's the best decision they've ever made, surely your husband can't deprive you of your happiness.
Sending you the biggest cyber hug.xxxx:There there:

Wonderwoman, what do your T&C's say? Every clinic is different, but mine allows you to postpone as long as you re-book within 6 months. Louse is right, you have some big questions to consider for you and your son. Perhaps you need a little more time to work through all of this?
I'm certainly not saying you should cancel, but you may feel it's easier to have a clear head in the new year and gives you and your husband more time to work through this? Sending you another hug  xxx

Hi honey,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I didn't want to read and run... Big massive cuddles for you     xxx

Thanks girls.. It's so difficult he has just said" it's surgery or me" basically pushing me into corner to make the decision which I already thought he was ok with.. I'm in a terrible state.. I know getting breast surgery isn't so important in the full scale if things but it's something I want for me.. My son is my whole life, and I work so hard for us as a family.. He drinks, he smokes, I don't do anything apart from work. I thought he would have been happy for me.. There is slot more to this, but he sees this as being the deciding factor for him to end it with me.. He told me this would be final straw even although all if our problems stem from his behaviour towards me.. I'm so confused and upset and don't know what to do.. Xx

Jenpops... He asked me if I wanted to look like Jordan..saying oh you're obviously getting this for someone else, not for me as I think it will look vile. And do you want your husband looking at you naked in disgust lol.. I know I put a little laugh but for me, most men would be happy that their wife was taking care of her appearance and looking the best she can.. For not only herself but for him too.. Paid in full and I can cancel and get full refund but only within the next week or so then they charge a percentage every week being higher than the last.. I don't want to cancel! I want to do this.. Sorry for venting all of this on here but you're all being so amazing and supportive to me.. Thanks do so much 

honestly babes - i am just lost for words ...

yes he 'could' feel threatened - cos honestly the new additions will also bring on some attractions to you ..

knowing he is not always home etc ... Now please i am not saying asking you to pick one is the way out .. but i do also see his own 'fears'..

try and speak to him ..

hun - ultimately the decision will be yours ..

BA - is basically looking after yourself - and i know its sounds selfish - but YOU DO COME FIRST!!!!   

I think for many men thinking if their women with new pert boobs can be quite intimidating. We've seen it here many times Wonderwoman generally after surgery when men get territorial and don't like their ladies going out on their own, or find the new confidence a threat to their relationship. Initially after my first surgery my own husband went through this too - its all THEIR own insecurities and a fear that once you have this thing you want... Eventually, you'll leave them.

Now I don't know, but can only imagine what it must be like to have to leave your OH for long periods and there may be times of insecurity there - plop a nice pert pair of boobs on the top of that and I can imagine those insecurities can go through the roof and in 'his mind' rather than than have deal with all that whilst he's away, he's fighting like a scared cat.

Now.. I'm in no way condoning your husbands behaviour in any way shape or form hun. What he's doing and saying is wrong - but its not rational. You can see that in the way he's told a child - a tool to help him fight.

But I'm just trying to help you maybe see how it may feel from his side. This would be especially the case if like you've said, things haven't been good between you both for a while.

If it were me... And this is totally you're decision, I'd postpone and give both yourself and your husband time to discuss this.

If the marriage is worth fighting for on both sides there always has to be a level of compromise to enable you both to move forward. So put your marriage first.

See where you both want to go and if its decided that you both want this then..., discuss your BA. Tell your husband what it means to you. Knowing you wanted to put your marriage first will hopefully help put this into perspective, its not about wanting to improve yourself and feel better about yourself without him, its about doing this with him and for him and if need be you can arrange a consultation for him to attend 'with you' to discuss before talking further. He can then also feel involved.

My husband was dead against me having a BA babe, at no point would he have however threatened divorce but he begged me not to go through with it, but he was by my side and after talking it through although he didn't like it, he supported my decision through it, but I don't honestly think I could have done it without him - I'm all very much for women being empowered and making choices for themselves, but if any of those choices impinged on a marriage, it really could be make or break time and for 'me' it would never have been a break. I would have gone without for him... As he has done for me in the past when he wanted us to remain in the states were we lived and I wanted to come home to England, its all about compromise for those you 'love and want to be with' and if you just don't or can't love someone enough to compromise for the sake of their happiness.... Then maybe its time to call it a day and then you can have your BA on your own terms sweetheart.

I don't envy your position and it really saddened me to read your pits sweetheart and please know you have the support of all of us here whichever decision you might take 

Well said Cookie!!!

You really echoed my thoughts..

I would advise same as Cookie - post pone - but get your money back from the hospital so that its safe should you decide not to go ahead sooner or at all ..

Just to make sure your cash is safe ...

Again - my heart goes out to you

Oh lovely this was horrible to read :( there isn't anything to say that everyone else hasn't already but I hope things work out for you one way or another.

keep strong   xx

I'm so sorry to read this hunny, I think your husbands behaviour is unreasonable and downright selfish. 

Just reading your posts Hun, I think you've decided and made your mind up. 
YOU WANT this and no one should be giving you an ulitmatum for something that you've wanted that will make you happy  and that you've paid for. 

He can't manipulate you  and it sounds as if it's HIS insecurities that are coming out and forcing them on you.

Ultimately is your decision and I hope you come to the descion you want and wish you all the best xxx 

Thanks mrs ball.. You're right.. I think he is being unreasonable and I've told him so.. He's away now for a few weeks and things have been left hanging between us like this.. He sent me a text when he arrived back saying that I'm being selfish spending 3500 on something just to benefit me and how will I feel when he's looking at me in disgust.. He also said to me that He hopes I'm not expecting him to take care of me after op as I will have another thing coming.. Because this is elective he thinks I should walk out of theatre feeling great with no pain and carry on from where I left off.. I don't have any option because if I go ahead with it he will make things so difficult for me. I'm now thinking I am being selfish and that I should not go ahead with it..because I understand I will be in pain and if I complain he will say well you wouldn't listen to me. I didn't want you to go ahead with it and you look a mess. I feel awful. Xxx

Oh Wonderwoman, it sounds like he is being quite cruel - i'm not surprised you feel awful. It's clear that there are a lot of factors at play here, much more than the BA itself. Please don't think you are being selfish - it is clear from the way you care for your family that you are far from that! 

However you do need to consider the practicalities. You will need someone to help you Post Op, and having this all come to head so close to Xmas won't be easy for you and your son. I agree with mrsball, i don't think you should be manipulated - however perhaps postponing may be wise? It would give you a chance to discuss things further with your husband, and worse case scenario get a support network in place of friends and family who will give you the help you need. We're all here for you hon xx 

I'm so sorry your in this position hunny. It's him that's being totally selfish by acting like this. 
Yes there are husbands and partners that may not agree with surgery however to act the way he is atrocious. 
To say awful things like that to you is not on. 

I think there are deeper issues in your marriage and I hope I'm not steeping the mark when I say that I just feel for a husband or partner to act in that way is manipulative and controlling. 

You are not selfish at all, I've had 3 surgerys and have 3children. My children certainly do not go without!! 

Is he saying that he never buys anything just for himself ?? 
And given the opportunity he would not treat himself to a car or Holiday he's always wanted? 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way hunny I truly am. 

You will need someone for after that's true, I really hope you can come to descion Hun. 

Do any of your family members know what you're going through? X

I agree with mrsball, the fact he wants you to choose is horrible. If he wants you to choose him over your boobs when you won't be happy and that's not fair!

There is so many ways of looking at this situation but the bottom line is, no matter what his thought process is, he has no right to make you unhappy. This is YOUR body and you deserve to be happy. You would support him and remember, he's chosen to live his life with you, not run your life for you. Hope it all works out xx

Dear Wonderwoman, I am so sorry to read this post and I am genuinely sorry that this has happened to you. I know that I do not know you, nor your husband and it is none of my business what kind of relationship you have, but I just had to comment on this...putting aside the selfishness argument, for me personally the statement he made about being disgusted by looking at me would be more than enough of a reason to tell him that I want a divorce!!! What kind of a person is that??? How can a person you love ever be disgusting??? I simply would not tolerate that...another thing, blackmailing? Ultimatums? After being married with a kid and because of a BA?! You have go to be kidding me...I would be so p.... off if this would happen to me, and you know what, I would even try to reschedule the OP for the next day, just to spite him...but than again, that is just me. :) I am having my BA in 3 weeks. I'm doing it in my home country and my partner will not be there for me (we live in different countries at the moment) so I will have friends to help for the first few days. He is not to crazy about me having my BA as he thinks I'm the sexiest woman ever with or without boobies, but he also knows that I've been wanting this for a very long time...at one point when I actually decided I'm going for it before the end of this year, I asked him if he thinks I'm crazy...his reply was, well I still think that what you are doing is wild but we discussed it and I know you want it, so I support it. :) I think that any man that would have answered anything else but what my partner did, would not have been worthy of me to begin with...life is short and having regrets is not something I wish for myself, and sacrificing my personal happiness and self-esteem for a person that would not do the same for me is just not an option... :)
I hope you will make the right decision...the right decision for you and you alone! :)

You're not at all selfish for wanting something for yourself hun  

I do think however your husband is scared.. And for the sake of your marriage (if you WANT to keep it) it would be best to postpone and have a full and meaningful conversation face to face.

Words through text and email and have no emotion behind them and when putting forward how you feel, without that can be taken far worse then meant in some situations..

I doubt there's any one of here that hasn't said something in haste that we may later regret, but if 'he's' worth fighting for, I'd personally give him the time to 'talk' it out face to face.

None of us know what your marriage is like but you and whether that's worth fighting for. Forget about the BA... For a moment, you really do seemingly have bigger fish to fry right now and we can all sit here and call cruelty and other names, but we just don't know what goes on in a soldiers head when he's away from the woman he loves.

You don't have to put up with this if you don't want to. YOU know your husband and how he is, again forgetting about a BA for a moment. Do you even want this marriage?

I've been married almost 25 years babe and its not been easy, but to get to where we are its taken hard work! give and take on both sides and for both sides to be support of the other.

I'd like to think if your husband and yourself were able to actually sit and talk this through 'if there's enough love' between you both there... You'll get through this and you'll do it with his support. But you won't know unless you give him that chance.

Again... Only YOU know your YOUR husband and what goes on in YOUR marriage. Its that that needs sorting babe, not the BA issue. Once you have that sorted, the rest will fall into place, but it does take two. Xx

Big hugs babe. He is being unkind. I mean he can say he doesn't agree or want you to have it. But he's being mean with it too.

Maybe postpone like others have said. Before you lose any money.
Oxoxo

I'm really sorry to read about what you're going through :( I echo what everyone else has said really. It is emotional blackmail and to use your little boy as a weapon, or to bring him in to this is so wrong and unkind.  He should be respecting you as an individual and your partner.  It does sound to me that he is scared, but trying to control you is an awful way to go about it all.  It's very selfish and immature.  He should love you no matter what you look like. 

I hope you manage to sort things out and that you get to a point where you make the decision that will make you and your little boy happy. Be strong hunny. It sounds like you deserve a lot better xxx Hugs xxx

Thanks for your support girls, I appreciate this so so much.. He's just been on the phone and he said " so how will you feel when people ask me oh why did you leave your wife, and his answer will be because she's had a boob job!! I mean, come on, have you ever heard anything so ridiculous. I just ended the call with him..I have my pre op on Saturday and he is coming home early and "warned" me I've not to go. I told him I was going and he said if you go, it's finished! I cannot win. He's only coming home because he knew about my appointment. He's taken time off work to make sure I don't go! Xxx I'm going anyway lol xx