Feeling down :(

Okay, so this may sound soo daft, but had an arguement last night with my mum over wanting a BA. All i get told is im fine the way i am etc and its going to affect the rest of my life, noone seems to understand why i want it. It didnt help as i had just come back from a consultation and was full of positive thoughts, which then just came crashing down! My parents opinion is extremely important to me, as im so close to my mum i just want her approval. I feel like such a numpty, i couldnt stop crying last night and i bet my boyfriend thought i was crazy. Has anyone else had this problem and been able to sway their parents at all? Sorry for the rant, just needed to get it off my chest!

xxx

Ohh, so sorry to hear you're not getting the support you need hun

I've been really lucky, myself. My parents both kind of said they didn't really understand, but would support me if this was what I want to do... kind of like "I don't get it... but I love you anyway" type thing. But I can totally understand how heartbreaking it would be NOT to get that support. I think it would be really difficult to go through when the people who you care about most don't seem to have your back.

Hopefully you can find a way to talk it through - maybe even be so bold as to SHOW them, and say "THIS is why I want it!!"?? (That's what offered to do to my Dad! - He declined...).

At least you have the support of everyone on here - this is a great place for people to find support when it's lacking from people closer to home! xxx

Aww hun I can imagine this being horrible....I have been wanting a BA for quite a while now. A lot of people would say I am fine the way I am...but that's probably due to being a 34B and always wearing a padded bra so I never look too small.
But anyway, I first mentioned it to my mum agesss ago, she didn't say to much really but was a bit like "well you've got nice small perky boobs so I don't see what's so bad"
One day we went shopping and I tried on a new bra, I brought it up again and I think she could tell by my face that actually as far as Im concerned, there not the boobs Iv'e always wanted....
I think your guna have to work on this....don't give up if its something that is important to you and your serious about. Its probably a bit of a shock to your parents and there guna be worried sick if something was to go wrong. This is something that could be very hard for them to expect.
In the mean time try and confine in the girls on here and your friends....they tend to have a slightly more open mind then parents.
Good luck with it :) x x x

Hi Hunn! I can understand why you are so torn. Most of us dream about getting a BA for years and years then we constantly think about it then never doing it. I FINALY had mine done on July 28, 2011 which took me years to finally committ to. I never worried about what my parents would say, as my mom wanted the same thing for years and finally did it a month or so before me. BUT my best friend was hard to face saying I wanted to finally committ to it, so I didn't tell her right away. Also, my work was a HUGE hold back. I had my consultation last year and was going to have the surgery then but I didn't because I respected my co-workers and their beliefs. (I work in a small law firm, so my co-workers became family) I couldn't face telling them what I was going to do because I felt they wouldn't understand and I couldn't come back to work with larger breasts and not tell them. Finally I said to myself, this is for ME. I have thought about this for YEARS, no one can judge me or hold me back anymore, because really, I'm only hurting myself. I can understand why this would be so hard for you becuase it is your parents not giving you the support you need. Are they ok with you doing it but trying to tell you not to? They just love you and care for you, like everyone I told that I thought wouldn't understand, they hesitated and questioned why etc. that I am beautiful the way I am etc. It is a huge commitment, please keep that in mind, but at then end of the day, this is for you. I feel if you have always wanted this done and always will then it will continue to bug you until you just do it. That is what happened to me. I drove myself crazy to the point I didn't care what people thought anymore. I hope this helps and just know you aren't the only one who has to go through with all these debates before committing

I'm sorry you didn't get the support you hoped for. Its a toughie, I have found getting naked and showing close friends is the only way to show them what I mean... they soon change their mind but not sure that would be feasible with family.
I haen't told my mum yet, and probably going to try not to to be honest but we are not very close and she lives miles away so think I will get away with it perhaps.

Anyway, please just give it time, its maybe just a shock and I'm sure they will come around sooner or later if they see how important it is to you x

What upset me most was that my mum had already been to a consultation with me, and i thought that was a turning point and she was coming round to the idea. Im definitely not giving up, i've given myself atleast 6 months to save a deposit and think everything through and do my research, so i am hoping within that time i will find a way to talk to them about it. You have all proven to me how important this website is for support, it has made me feel so much better and more determined than ever from your responses, thanks so much girls.xxx

U cud perhaps think bout showing her pics? If ur not brave enuf to whip ur clothes off. thats wat i did n everyone suddenly undetstood! u may find that ur mum may not wanto upset u by agreeing ur boobs arent that great. u will always find that ppl will say u look fine, its an automatic response. i think if simone told me they wanted to change themselves i wid tell thm they r fine th way they r xxx

I can give you my perspective as the mother of a teenage daughter that's very close to your age.I want her to feel comfortable with her own body and I know surgery has risks.Given these 2 trends of thought,maybe your parents are afraid of the surgical risks and also not sure how to express themselves when you told them you weren't happy with your figure other than to say they don't understand why you want it done.As a parent you usually feel your child is perfect and you love them the way they are no matter what.I bet if you talk to your Mom again she will eventually come around.She may still think it's not a neccesary surgery to do but maybe she will be able to give you more support just knowing you feel this will make you feel better about yourself.And if you really want it done you may have to except the fact that everyone might not agree with you on getting it done.I wish you the best Hun! It sounds like they love you very much so keep that in mind and and try not to be sad :)

Hi Lizzielou, I understand what you mean about valuing your parents' opinions. My mom and I talk every day. My dad recently passed away and with no siblings, she's all I have.

That being said, I didn't tell her about my BA and hope to never tell her.

I am a bit older than you and we live a ways away from each other, which makes this decision a bit easier than if I had to see her daily.

My mother is not only all organic/ won't have any sort of toxins in the house type person (so having silicone put intentionally into my body would HORRIFY her) but she's also a very WASPy country-club type woman who would think breast implants are only for strippers and prostitutes. (except of course in the case of a mastectomy).

I don't think she would totally disown me, but the extent of her disappointment would completely destroy me and all of the joy I feel EVERY DAY I have my new boobies.

It is pure joy! And telling her would ruin that. She'd make me feel like crap. It doesn't sound as if your mom and dad are this bad, so chin up. I bet you will bring them 'round.

Good luck to you and we are all here for you!

xxxxx

ali

Ahh hun I really feel for you! I havent had the courage to tell my Mum yet that this is what I want. I am a 35 year old, married mum of three, and am cacking myself about telling my Mum, lol!!
I have also wanted this done for years, but I havent ever said that to her, so when I do finally pluck up the courage to tell her, it is going to be a shock!!
I have NO idea how she is going to take it, it really could go either way but I fear she will have the same reaction as your Mum.
I can understand why Mums may have a negative reaction, if it was my daughter I know I would be horrified, which is a total double standard on my behalf!! But, my daughter is absolutly perfect in my eyes and of-course I dont want her to do anything that may put her at risk. But I like to think that given time and if I see that it was something really important to her, and was affecting her confidence and self esteem, I would support her.

OK at this point I would like to say that I have been drinking wine, so I apologise if I am waffling!!!

I guess the crux of it is, hopefully in time your Mum will come round!
Maybe she went to the consult with you thinking that you would go off the idea, when you where obviously thinking she was coming to the consult and would come round to the idea!!
She is your Mum and of-course she loves you more than anything, and when she see's how serious you are and how much you need her support, she will be there no questions asked!! Give her time to mull it over, and then let her know how upset you are, no Mum wants their little girl upset!

Ok so now I am returning to the wine and stepping away from the computer!!!!!!

sorry, but as an aside, I'm SO JEALOUS of wine right now - can't wait til tomorrow - I'll be one week post-op and can have a glorious glass of red wine!

xxxx

Its a toughie Mrs.



I am lucky bc my Mum totally got why i wanted mine.

It wasnt until 3 yrs ago when i tripped over and she caught me by holding her hands out towards my chest area and breaking my fall that she noticed how flat I was. I had woken early morning asi had a bad cough and fell aslepp sitting up in chair in living room...I wasnt wearing a bra under my t-shirt (I usually always wore my padded bra) and was pure bone in the middle with a tiny bit of lower pole tissue. Anyone seeing or feeling that would understand why i felt restricted with what i wore, swimming, wearing evening dresses, being intimate etc. It simply wasnt in proportion and stopped me from doing and wearing things every day.

I dont know what age you are or how flat chested you are. Do you think you might still be developing? Do you have any sisters to compare with?

I also agree that you should show your Mum - at least in a photo and maybe try writing a letter explaining your thoughts.

Its tricky to be able to fully explain to anyone or sometimes to even understand yourself. So many people think 'oh - they are just doing it for their looks' or 'this wont make them happy' and dont realise the deep deep sadness and difficulties that can come when your female body is not doing what a female body 'should' according to society...I knew that I wasnt happy with my boobs from about 13 yrs old and never really developed anything. My surgeon even said that he personally considers girls that go from flat to small/medium as corrective surgeries and not cosmetic. there is a medical term for lack of breast tissue and it may not always cause physical problems, but often causes emotional ones. I cannot tell you how liberating and ...well peaceful my BA has made me or what it means to have the freedom and confidence to wear NON PADDED BRAS (YES - it is a big deal!) and swim wear!!! It has not changed who i am at all - maybe your parents are worried it will do that? It has just made things easier and calmer and less stressful for me. And its only the beginning. Maybe you need to sit your parents down away from home - on neutral ground and bring your letter with you; read it to them and tell them how much you crave their support. You have to understand that they only want the best for you and their cautious approach is to make sure you are ready and able for this because ATEOTD it is a huge thing and painful and not to be entered into lightly xxxx

I only waited 3 days before i had a glass of wine. Oops...

Hey LizzieLou,

I'm sorry your Mum isn't being supportive right now. Perhaps she is panicking about the risks of surgery after having been to a consultation with you and hearing the surgeon go through them all? Perhaps she just can't bear the thought of her 'little girl' (not being patronising, but you know what I mean all Mums keep us little in their minds!) going through surgery. In her eyes it might be an unnecessary operation on a body she loves to bits and probably thinks is perfect! But what she isn't getting yet is that this is YOUR body and you are very unhappy with it! And that not doing this will affect you for the rest of your life, not the other way around.

I just told my Mum when I was over at hers a few days ago. She was really happy for me because she knows how much this has affected my life since I was a teenager. But from her reaction I also detected a little bit of 'oh I wish I'd done that' and saw that she wasn't as happy about it as I hoped she'd be. Almost, if I'm totally honest, as if she were jealous. How silly! I only mention that because it's a reaction I got that I wasn't expecting, and same as you her opinion means a lot to me. I totally thought she'd jump up and be thrilled to bits. After all, this is the woman who saw me run crying my eyes out from a dressing room after trying on about 10 beautiful dresses for my brothers wedding a couple of years ago. None of them fit me around the chest and I looked like a kid playing dress up. It was mortifying.

Maybe have another chat with her when you've both calmed down and just explain that you are doing this for you and that you really need her love and support right now. It's going to make you feel so much more confident and so much happier, I'm sure once she realises how strongly you feel about it that she'll come around.

Let us know how you get on honey xx

I am literally going to the shop now to buy wine!

Starsfade - totally agree!

I think many parents either worry about the risk angle, as georgiana said, or about the change it may have on their daughter's personality. This isn't an issue for me as much since I'm older (32) but for someone younger they may be worried about attention from men, running with a different crowd, not able to handle the attention...

I think overally though parents cannot understand growing up in a generation of sexx and skin the way we do. You can't watch a TV commercial without seeing a woman's DD boobs falling out of her bikini! THis is what we've been told is the "norm" since childhood! It's also what men our age think is the "norm" it is horribly emotionally traumatic to have to show small breasts either to a new partner, or on the beach in a bathing suit - when you don't look "normal".

This just wasn't an issue for our parents generation!!



Maybe I'll be naughty and stop for a bottle of wine on my way home....

OMG I meant "I think OVERALL" - not overally LOLLOLOL

I know how you feel hun, i started a top about my parents the other day as they just kept coming up with reasons as to why its a silly thing to do. I then went down my parents house on Monday and got the whole thing again but even worse, literally its a stupid thing to do, your prefect, bla de bla...but for the whole 1-2hrs i was there i just sat in silence could have easily have walked out crying!



It's such a horrible thought when your parents dont support you in something as big as this, BUT on the other hand to them you are perfect and they would find it difficult to see why you would change what they gave you..(my sister recently had her nose done which happened to look exactly the same as my mums nose so my mum took it personally).



I think what we have to keep in mind is that the decision is about you and your body/feelings, i understand parents thoughts are very important BUT that could leave you making the wrong decision and being left unhappy for many years ahead. If its something that you really want then you should just explain to your mum (although its not always as easy) and explain how you feel and why your making the decision you are.



I have told my mum and dad that this is my decision i will be doing it whatever they think as im the one going through it and unhappy with myself.

Oh dear, I do hope I didnt start everyone off drinking last night?! lol!!

I think everyone had made some pretty brilliant points!! As a parent, no matter how old our children are we worry, lol!! But we also want them to be happy and Im sure when your Mum realises that this will make you happy, she will support you.
I would def take everyones advice and try again to talk to her about it all, give her the chance to explain how she feels as well. Hopefully you will be able to reassure her of her worries, I wish you all the luck of the world with this hun. I think a lot of us still crave our parents approval, no matter how old we are! (or maybe thats just me?! lol).
My Mum has massive boobs so I think she is going to find it hard to understand how my lack of boobage makes me miserable, but all we can do is explain our feelings and hope that people at least try and understand.
Good luck hun xxxxx

hi hun. im 31 and have lived on my own for 12 years, have a daughter too but still like the approval of certain ppl in my life... i.e. my mother. when i firt told her she was not impressed at all, we had great debates about it, however on stating that it was my life, money and stuff, i said im having it done and thats it!!! now ive had it done and she has seen them ( well what she can with all the strapping ) she fully understands why i had them done and she too loves them. for me it wasnt about wanting to a be with huge boobs, i just wanted them to be uplifted and fuller, for me, know one else. she now understands this. it takes time for some ppl to come round hun, its only cause ppl love u x

I told my mum over e-mail as I was worried about what she'd say - I just said I was jealous of her as she is 56, has big boobs and doesn't even need to wear a bra. If you explain to her how much it means to you I'm sure she'll eventually come round. I didn't tell that many people (especially those who I thought may be negative) as it was none of their business but once its done people tend to be quite supportive as its too lat by then.

alexandra33 wrote:sorry, but as an aside, I'm SO JEALOUS of wine right now - can't wait til tomorrow - I'll be one week post-op and can have a glorious glass of red wine!

xxxx

I had a glass of wine in the hospital with my evening meal (about 7 hours post op) the surgeon said it was fine as long as I didn't need codeine based painkillers (which I didn't) - it was lovely xxx

Georgiana and Lou - yes, I did go home with a couple of bottles of wine last night (as I haven't taken any painkillers) but after 1 glass I was pretty sauced! (lost my tolerance in one week?!?!?!?!)

ali

Girls, you are fab! This has made me look at it from a different angle. I think i will try showing my mum, then she can actually see the reason i want a ba. It has also made me think of her side of the arguement, i guess if i had a daughter i would worry so much about something like this, and i am very grateful that my mum loves me and is worried about surgery, rather than disagreeing just to be a cow! Ahh i think i might go give her a hug now! Haha.



Starsfade- Im 20 atm and will be 21 when i want surgery, so very little chance that i will grow anymore! I dont have any sisters, just a brother, although his pecks are still bigger than my boobs! lol. And thankyou so much for the idea of a letter! Im so going to write one, then she can read it in her own time by herself and maybe think about it.



Thanks again guys for your support :) xxx