I was so sure....

Hi friends, this is going to sound really pathetic but since I've joined this forum and started my boobie journey I've come to know you all as friends, people I turn to because you know and understand me as you've all been through this before.
I'm in a right mess. Utterly depressed. Tears. Sickness. Anger and revulsion. This is what's happening...
I've wanted a ba since I was 16. I never liked the size of my breasts. Since I was about 13 I would envy the girls in my gym class while they were changing (not in a weird way), I knew my boobs were all they were going to be. I managed to accept this for a brief period of time. Anyway, over the years I've been ridiculed by my ex, "titless b*#ch" being the one I ALWAYS have on my mind. I thought my breasts were hideous. Since then I've had 2 gorgeous babies (breastfed). I'm fuller in the breast area now than I used to be but maybe saggier (I'm still pert though).
I have almost booked my ba but just waiting for a cheque to clear.my partner now has the attitude he wouldn't care if I was here or not. When I asked what I should do about my ba he replied "do what you need to do". I'm broken. I need help and advice from you girls. He's the sort of person that makes it sound like he's ok with it, but when I get them done he will then put me down. I love him but I'm completely broken mentally as I know he likes me now but just loves putting me down. I quote " I preferred you better before u had the c section, u were thinner when I met you " (it was his baby I had the c section for after 7 hours of labour and my baby almost dying due to major problems)... nice. I just can't lose the weight cos of my over incisioned scar but I have tried as much as I can. Is it me being wrong?

p.s. He isn't all bad, but he should take his part in this equation. He's not an oil painting. I'm so worn down. I'm not sure if I want to be here anymore.

Oh Hun your post has really upset me. Firstly im sorry you had such a traumatic labour, i nearly lost one of my children too so completely relate to you secondaly don't let him drain you down hunni this is emotional abuse and he has no right to make you feel this way especially knowing your confidence isn't great, how dare he . I also wanted a BA from young age and if you read my diary I wrote exactly what you did in your post about envy of the other girls, this is something you are doing for yourself babe and no-one else so his phrase " do what you need to do" is right, you do what you need to do for you and not him. My hubby didn't want me to have the BA Hun but was supportive and now he loves them, but it sounds as if you are going to be in a no win with your partner either way, so if this is something you have always wanted then you go ahead and do it girl and get back some of that confidence that has been knocked out of you. It sounds to me that your partner is very insecure therefore likes to take digs at you to lower your self esteem too, please don't allow him to do this chick, I'm sure you look amazing and I also have a c section scar, these are just our scars from producing beautiful babies. You are not at all in the wrong Hun and you shouldn't be made to feel like you are. Stay strong hunni and we are all here to support you xx

I agree with mummy me, he does seem like he puts you down to make him feel better and maybe he's threatened by the BA in some way.

I'm not the best at giving advice i'm afraid, but if you are feeling really broken and that you don't want to be here anymore then please please go speak to your GP.

I agree, this forum is like one lovely big family and we're all going to be here for you. Love and hugs xxx

He's not all bad??????

I'm sorry but no GOOD man would ever treat you in such a way! I should imagine the majority of us can relate to your pre-op boobs and how that made you feel along with the sly taunts from 'people who didn't care for you' But not from the man who loves you hun...

Like Mummy me, my husband too was opposed to me having a BA, not because he had feelings either way about breast augmentation, but simply because he couldn't see my reason. He loved me just the way I was, the scars id accumulated along the way from childbrearing and breast feeding in his eyes just made me all the more attractive. After finding out how serious I was about going ahead with the surgery though, against his own wishes he supported me through, even through my re-op and again through this one, when I know it's hurt him so much to see me go through what I have.

Your partner now is no better than your ex in my opinion lovely... If your looking to 'friends for advice' - then this friend is suggesting you get out now babe!!!!! Xx

Oh hunni xxxxx

You've done so well getting here in the first place if he's worn you down this much.

Your partner sounds like he's frightened of a you that he cant control, a you that is more confident and self assured.

Is it possible this was why it all started, to make you believe that you were oh so very lucky to have him.

How he's treating you is horrendous and if you love him just not neccessary.

Go with your gut hunni, are you going to resent him if you dont go ahead with your op after all these years?

Does he feel the money should be spent on something else and this is why he's being a moody sod??

kxx

Thanks girls. I'm not in a good place at all right now am I. The stupid thing is he isn't mean, just kind of abrupt in his way sometimes. He said he like the way I look and that I'm pretty but he preferred me when we first met cos I was thinner....and you're all right, that's an awful way to treat somebody. I'm just scared if I get my ba he'll say "I liked you better with small boobs". All my life I've been judged and I don't want to be in that situation again. I feel like a lap dog sometimes... Or a door mat for wiping proper muddy shoes.
I keep worrying do I need a ba? Last night I almost actually liked my breasts and cried because I'd miss them (never thought I'd ever say that). I've researched having a ba thoroughly so I know I'm serious but why am I suddenly feeling like this? I look at my body sometimes and think why would I throw money at this anyway. I'm flabby and never going to wear a bikini anytime soon so what's the point in bothering. My partner said I should do what makes me happy, I'd just be greatful for the support and acceptance from him.
All your comments have been lovely and have made me feel slightly stronger as I almost felt like I was in the wrong but I clearly aren't.
What's my next step though? Should I just book the date or wait? I'm almost talking myself out if it after 10+ years x

He doesn't think I should spend the money elsewhere no. He just says "do what you need to do". There's just no support there. He's nice most the time but certainly on this im in it alone I think. Or maybe he just says that cos he's scared of saying the wrong thing as I've been quite defensive about getting a ba to everyone that does know about it? x

I was exactly the same before my op thinking am i doing the right thing, i think alot of us if not all have worries before hand about somehting.

The only question is do you really want it?

Im not a little girl babe im 5ft9 and a size 12 if it helps, im sure all of us have our flabby bits, alot of us are mums so we've got our battle scars :)

All of me wants to say just go for it girl but it has to be right for you hunni xxxx

Also a massive part of me feels like saying start picking on him and doing the same with him...'oh hunni you've out a few pounds on, its ok like i still love you, but i preferred you when you didnt have such a beer belly or, remember back when you had all your hair....i liked your hair!!! lolol :) xxxx

Please dont be worn down hunni, we can all be here to give you strengh xxx

And you know what i dont reckon im gonna be wearing a bikini any time soon but who cares, all my life ive look at women with decient boobs and wanted them, or felt like i was living a lie with chicken fillets and padded bras.

If its going to give you the confidence you need do it babe.....just do it xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S do the hair comment its my fav!!! lolol ;) xxxx

Bless ya clover i know exactly how you feel i was married to a man (poor excuse of) who constantly put me down saying i was fat etc etc and if i wanted to go on holiday with him i'd need to lose weight, i was only 8st and had given him 2 children!!! Like the ladies say on here it sounds as if he's insecure and putting you down he thinks will keep you where he wants you. I actually lefy my ex husband and it has taken me years to build up my self confidence, i met a lovely new man who loves me for me, when i mentioned i wanted a BA he said do it then. I have had the same emotions as you about having it done and whatss the point...but i'm all booked aand paid for and couldnt be happier! Go for it!! xxxx

I'm sorry you're going through this hun! Easier said than done, but stay strong! xx

The stupid thing is he isn't mean, just kind of abrupt in his way sometimes

You keep excusing his behaviour babe... What he's doing to you IS mean lovely.

Whether booking to have a BA or not now Clover, is the right thing to do, i dont know. Only you can answer that question for yourself hun...

I will say though that maybe you should give yourself a little time out right now, theres nothing to say you have to have a BA right now whilst youre in such turmoil, we've had many people here have different situations that told them now maybe wasn't the right time for them and we've been so happy to see them return, a couple of weeks, a month, a year or two years later confident and happy with their decision after sorted out whatever it was in their lives that was weight bearing preventing them being happy about booking at that time lovely...

We're here if you need us babe xx

Hi Clover, I understand completely where you are coming from Hun x more than you will probably ever know. This may sound strange, but I used to think I would rather have a punch in the lips to get it over with than be tortured mentally and put down. First thing is , you are worn down and your self esteem is going, that's what he wants . He will tell you everything is fine.. But it's up to you.. But... Then chucks in a negative. He mAy say you have said things you cant remember saying etc. He's the one with the low self esteem, putting you down etc is control. He may not be "All Bad" maybe a great dad, breadwinner etc.. But he is making you unhappy and stressed. I think you need to speak to your GP, have a cry, rant just a talk. Let it out . You are probably angry but dont want the confrontation. Remember why you want this. Your reasons( not about him , your body).. Bet your mates think he is lovely and you cannot even try to talk to them because they don't get it? Manipulating men are good at seeming like Peter Perfects. Now be strong Clover. Write down all the reasons why you want this xxx ring your Doctors and make an appointment and have a talk. It done me a world of good.

I'm sorry that your going through this clover :( I think the other girls have given you good advice. Only you can decide whether a BA is what you want, if your worried he will turn around and decide he liked you the way you were before then maybe you need to have a stern chat and tell him he cant throw it back in your face afterwards if he's not against it before hand <3 xox

Thankyou for this girls. It's really given me the strength and confidence I needed. I'm definitely doing the hair comment lol. I feel better today. Think I've just been so tired and stressed with whole decision of what size and date to pick. Think I will see my GP just for a good cry and rant, it can't do any harm and I'll be sitting down with my partner tonight for a chat. You lot are great :) x

Has this happened over a period of time or more recently since you looked into your ba. If its the latter then I would say he's feeling insecure over your op but if its an ongoing thing then maybe you should look at the bigger picture and decide of this is what you want. Whatever you do dont let this make you cancel your op because this is something you have wanted for such a long time. Maybe once you've had your op you'll gain the self confidence you need to stand up and say 'dont talk to me like this as im better than this and if you dont start showing me some respect then im gone' xxx

You should only have a BA for you and for you only and I think its important to feel emotionally stable before you have surgery as its such a rollercoaster ride. I think its important for you to ensure you are in a 'good place' in your mind first before embarking on this surgery. Whilst a BA can be life changing it isnt going to make you happy if there are other problems making you sad and it might even make things worse. I suffered from depression 6 years ago when my marriage fell apart and I attempted suicide twice. I was very ill and needed a lot of therapy and medication but thankfully I am now off all the meds and very happy with my life. I couldnt have coped with the emotions of having a BA whilst going through all that and I wonder whether you should see your GP and perhaps evaluate your relationship and your life in general and then when you know you are happy you can then decide if you want the BA and if you still do you will enjoy the experience so much more.

Clover I have replied back to you pm Hun xx

Your husband sounds like a poor excuse of a human being never mind a husband !!!

What awful things for him to say to his beautiful wife, the mother of his children!!! What a loser xx Sounds like he has 'conditioned' you over the years as well, as Cookie says you are excusing his behaviour !

If my OH spoke to me like that he would be gone!! I would rather be on my own and happy than be around someone who puts me down and destroys my self esteem in such a cruel way xx

Good luck tonight with your chat xx be strong and remember you are super special hun xx

I think what 5 stone down has said may be worth considering lovely xx

Whatever happens we are all here for you

5stonedown wrote:You should only have a BA for you and for you only and I think its important to feel emotionally stable before you have surgery as its such a rollercoaster ride. I think its important for you to ensure you are in a 'good place' in your mind first before embarking on this surgery. Whilst a BA can be life changing it isnt going to make you happy if there are other problems making you sad and it might even make things worse. I suffered from depression 6 years ago when my marriage fell apart and I attempted suicide twice. I was very ill and needed a lot of therapy and medication but thankfully I am now off all the meds and very happy with my life. I couldnt have coped with the emotions of having a BA whilst going through all that and I wonder whether you should see your GP and perhaps evaluate your relationship and your life in general and then when you know you are happy you can then decide if you want the BA and if you still do you will enjoy the experience so much more.

You need to be in a good place emotionaly before even considering having a BA.I have suffered from depression over the years, had been feeling good so came of my antidepressants a few months before my BA.Between my new work shift pattern and planning my BA felt great no time too think of anything else and any low moods/feelings I just pushed them to the back of my mind BIG mistake! Being unable to do much after having my BA & not being able to keep myself busy giving me lots of time to think, I came close to having a break down or what felt like it, I have never been so scared, thank god for my lovely doctor who has got me back on track I am now seeing light at the end of the tunnel.I have a lovely supportive husband and family so can'tquite understand where my deppression is coming from, maybe never will. I do know though that you need to be in a good place before considering your op and once you are it will be an amazing exciting experience with hopefully a fantastic result at the end of it! x

Hi girls. Sorry for not replying sooner. I've had a very very long talk with my partner and told him exactly how I feel and how others in the past have made me feel with their cruel words. Yes I want to lose weight but telling me he liked me better "before" is not going to coax me unto losing anything but self esteem. He was shocked this us how he came across and very apologetic. He said he didn't think he sounded nasty but was only agreeing with me when I said I wanted to be thinner again (yes he went the wrong way about it). He then continued about my ba. I sat him down and asked him honestly how he felt about it as I was at the point of burning the money, he said "look, I worry what I say to you because I know toy get defensive and I can never say anything right" and "i love you how you are but if you want a ba then do it if it makes you happy." why the hell couldn't he have said this before?!?!
Ive felt so alone and confused I'm pretty angry it had to get me this upset that he's finally been open about it. I'm glad he's said it now but I'm pretty wound up I had to get to that meltdown point and make myself sound silly on here.
I've read all your comments on here but don't think I can reply to everyone on here because my iPod is RUBBISH. So I just wanted to acknowledge you all for your support, and some of your own experiences have also been so upsetting and thankyou so much for sharing with me and making me realise I aren't alone in this scary journey. You should all be proud of how you've turned your lifes around :). If anyone ever needs a shoulder I would happily lend mind to any of you amazing ladies xxxx
I'll keep you all updated xxx

Pleased it went well for you hun

Thankyou. I'm still in a bit of a tizzy but I'll get there. I never thought getting a ba done would stress me out this much. Love the avatar by the way x

As long as you're happy... I'm happy for you chick. x

sometimes all you need is an honest open chat. Glad U are feeling happier. You can now look forward to your surgery xx