unsupportive partner

My hubby has been 100% against my ba from the start. When I first booked my ba I cancelled it in the end because he was so against it. After months of trying to talk him into it and explain why I wanted it (not that he will ever understand as in his words 'your not 20 and on the dating scene so whats the point'!) he eventually agreed if it was what I really wanted I could go ahead but he was still against the whole elective surgery thing.
Anyway the first couple of days after my ba he was good in that he helped with the kids and around the house, making dinner etc. But over the last few days if I complain of not being able to do something or feel uncomfortable he just says things like 'im sure your fine by now' or 'well you did this to yourself'!
I have my post op check with my surgeon on tues evening and he knew this but went ahead and made work commitments for the same time which he wont change so I dont know how im going to go to my appointment as he was meant to be taking me and mind the kids.
Sorry for the rant but its just starting to get me down and I haven't told anyone else about my ba so have no one to talk to about it apart from on here.

Bless you, he obviously doesn't deserve you :(
Maybe he is feeling a little insecure about it all.  x

Oh no Hun sorry to hear this :(is there no one you feel you can tell? You need some support during this time, emotional as well as help with the kids etc xx hugs xx

What's really positive is that you did the BA even if he didn't support it. That says a lot about how strong you are as a person! 

Hmmm I'm going to try and bite my tongue about this as much as I can, when I first looked into my ba my extremely unsupportive EX partner kicked up the biggest fuss known to man, was adamant it would be my own fault if he could never sleep with me again after or find me repulsive cos the thought of another man's hands all over me made him sick ("another man" being the surgeon, and "all over me" being performing an operation in a completely professional medical manner in a clinical environment with other health professionals present...) Anyway he made me feel wanting it done was dirty, and I should be ashamed, and that it "clearly made me a s**t" I buckled under the pressure and put it on hold, finally left him, and scalloped away freely into my future (and back into the surgeons office) 

Two points;
Well done for sticking up for what you wanted, I've learnt the hard way (more than any of you will ever know) how important that is, rightly or wrongly, YOUR decisions are YOURS to make,  I would much rather a mistake I make be down to me than someone else's doing, that's what life's about. That's how we grow as people. That's how we work.

Secondly, men are, as a general rule of thumb, pretty pants when it comes to dealing with illness (or 'needy' people) what can start out at day one or possibly into day 4 of, let's say a common cold, a valiant effort at being the male Florence nightingale, cuppa soups on tap, blanket fetching, crappy film enduring and the like. Can all turn into a grunts and groans, under the breath mutterings, unable to understand how something can effect you for more than the acceptable man time (around 3days I have calculated) and a basic intolerance and lack of empathy for anyone other than themselves (or their mothers!) And this is a general man thing
So just make sure that you know if he is being the above or something much more sinister. I mean men are men at the end of the day, capable of being loving and amazing yet somehow being a tw*ts in the same breath. Sometimes they just need telling, nudging, or even dragging in the right direction. Put your foot down, tell him you're not well yet, end of story! Laugh of his remarks. 

But if it's more than that then you don't need us to tell you what needs to happen. If you ever want to talk I'm here we all are. Hopefully the stress of it all is just getting on top of the two of you and things will be back to normal soon!

Xxx

Aw pixie :( I feel sorry for you you must be feeling down. Is there no one else you can confide in? A parent, sibling or friend? Men, as princess has said, can be selfish and not very good at looking after us for more than a day or two as they start to get bored I think!! Anyway I hope you feel brighter soon, and well done to you for being so strong up to now!!

Ps princess I can't believe your experience with your ex, thank god you're clear of him now!!

xxx

Bless your heart, what a strong woman you are  

I admire you for standing up to your husband and not faltering in your want for something that you knew would enrich your life. You're amazing babe!  

Is there anybody else at all who could help with the kids whilst you go to see your surgeon? If not that specific day, if its a last minute thing, maybe reschedule your appointment and get someone else to help you out.

Doing this on your own with the help of those that care might just show him that you don't 'need' him. You 'want' him because you love him, but 'need' him?.. Nahhhh, you already shown him that you have your own opinions about your life and whether he feels they're right or wrong, its what YOU felt that matters and you WILL act on that.

Keep doing that lovely. Some men can be complete and utter idiots and it sometimes takes the times like this to show them, you CAN go through life alone but you'd prefer to share it with them. Xxx

Ah sorry to hear that Hun, as the girls have said hopefully you can get someone else to have the kids.. Men can be so unsupportive at times. You sound a strong  person who knows  her own mind, stay strong Hun you have waited so long to have your new boobies, you enjoy them. Xx sending hugs love xxx

I'm sorry to hear this and as the others say you are so strong for going through without his support...
And I do think he is probably feeling insecure more than anything
I don't know how you're coping though because mentally and physically I'm really leaning on my fella at the mo
I hope you can have an honest chat and see if you can't find some support in there.. 
We're all here xx

I'm with princess all the way xxx xxx 

Thank you all so much for your support, really does mean a lot :) 

I haven't told anyone else about my ba so cant really ask anyone for help.

Princess, so sorry you have had horrible experience with your ex but im really glad you are in a better and happier place now! I do think some men really are from a different planet lol! 

Cookie, one of the problems is as much as I want to I don't actually know if I do love him anymore :'( 
I know that probably sounds horrible and I know people will think oh shes just had a ba and now she wants to leave her husband because its not like that at all, I've felt like this for the past 2 years. I truly would love things to work out and I would love nothing more than to be sharing the whole ba experience with someone who cared but thats just not happening. But despite everything he is a wonderful father, I cant fault him on that hes brilliant with the kids and I have to put them before my own feelings. 

Sorry I've rambled on again!!

Aw Hun, sorry you feel like that. I don't think anyone would judge how you feel about your hubby, we all know having a ba doesn't have anything to do with how you feel about anyone but yourself.
If you really want to stay with someone for the sake of your children, then that is totally your choice, I can understand why you would... But just remember that your happiness is important too & I'm sure your children would want a happy mummy. Cxx hugsxxxx

Sorry about what your going through Hun (hope this makes sense because still a bit funny from the ga lol) but its rubbish they way he is treating you!! I think sometimes men can just be really insecure and take it out on us... But remember you are your own person so it's your choice because your not a child and he should support you with that!! Hope it gets better, big hugs xx

Maybe sit down and have a chat with him, see if there's any way that you two can sort things out? Spend some alone time together, and see if feelings for him come back? Xx

Hi pixie

I don't really know what to say but I just thought I would send you a cyber hug...

You're not at al, horrible hun and you're not the first woman or the last to stay with a man for the sake of their children...

But there now lays your problem and now you've shared that hun it all seems so clear now.

You're together in marriage, but in life... You two are very separate and its possibly seeing you pull away and get along without your husband that p*ssing him off most, hence him spitting his dummy out and not taking you to the clinic or showing you any sympathy at all. Its his way of punishing you when he knows you're vulnerable and can get away with it.

Whether or not you choose to continue in this marriage is up to you babe. A BA can pull even the strongest of marriages apart - I know! I've seen it all happen here babe, so if the road is rocky now, be prepared for it to get a lot worse later hun when you're all healed, in wired bras and able to make the most of our new figure... He really isn't going to like it lovely, so be prepared for that.

I know you said that no-one else knows about your BA, but if it were me hun, I'd speak to someone you trust and ask for their help. There MUST be at least one person you can turn to? Its not a question if wanting someone to be there for you right now hun. You NEED someone and if your husband is refusing to be that someone then you're really going to have to think about who you can trust to help you.

BIG HUGS LISA  

Thanks everyone!  
I know you are absolutely right cookie!  Some days I do feel like I really love him then theres others when theres just nothing between us. my head is all over the place at the minute, maybe its just a bit of post op blues! x

That's VERY possible Lisa.  


You do need someone though babe... So do think that through. Xxx

Thanks cookie I will. kinda feel like I've come this far on my own I my as well continue on my own though! x

My ex was the jealous type. He wanted to control me ect etc.
My life changed so much when I took the step and left him.
That is the best I've done in my life. My husband is kind, loyal, funny, he is a very calm person and a gentlemen.
He treats all womans with a lot of respect.

He can't clean, wash or anything domesticated. But he's worth it.

What I hope for you is to be lucky, calm, feel secure and have a lot of love and feel loyalty & support  

(if you at any time need any advice and you don't want to write about (I have been to hell) please PM me) 

 xxx

((Big hugs)) I agree with some of the other posts about him perhaps being insecure, but a happy relationship works both ways and I'm sorry he's not giving u the support u need (and deserve). I hope things work out, maybe it's time to confide in a friend or close relative about the BA-youmight find them more supportive then you thought xxx

Firstly please never ever try and use your children as  a buffer for your own happiness, as much as you may say it with great meaning and best intentions, it doesnt work. It will not give you a happily ever after. My parents use the same line. They have remarried 26years. They feel out of love around 23years ago, perhaps even sooner than this. There is no love or affection. There is no genuine care for one another. Me and my siblings feel guilty, and like we have in some way Robbed them both of happiness with their absolute adamant protest of 'we will stay together for the kids'. They are lovely people. As separates. as a unit they are spiteful, they are back stabbing, they are volatile, they are incapable of a smile, they are unable to feel joy, excitement, want or desire, they are bitter and they are resentful.  We have all long flown the nest and they are still stuck in their rut. They are still sad. Still mad. Still bitter. Scared that they are 'too old' to find new love. Too old to build something new. Too afraid of the unknown, of change. So stuck in their stubbornness with a constant games of 'who can embarrass the other more in company', 'who can go the longest without uttering a word to the other' , 'who can not mention an upcoming anniversary then pretend to be hurt that the other forgot when really they are glad that they were right and the other is once again shown to be a rubbish partner' .

I almost got caught up in the whole 'stay together for the sake of my child' but could not cope one second more with the mental and emotional abuse I was subjected every single day of my life and realises that for the sake of my child I had to leave. 

What I'm trying to say is, only you can put a measure of how bad the situation is. Only you know your relationship. Only you know your limits, and only you know the answers. Is it worth saving? Is it just a rough patch? Is there room for change ON BOTH SIDES? 

One thing I will say that is universal for ANY relationship or situation...life is too short. 

Life is too short to argue, for long bouts of unhappiness, to live without dreams, to live without love. 

I used to test myself in my old relationship, and ask myself 'can I imagine myself here, with this person, in 5/10/15/20years time? It would always end with me in tears and finally I grew strong enough to walk away from that life.    

And please always value your own happiness. It is worth everything. And should be non negotiable, there ARE ways to  make you AND your children happy.     

Anyway. That's my opinion. Just hope your ok. 
Xx

Princess I'm not gonna say anything anymore you say it all! Here here! Xxx

I was thinking the same sazzle! I have to say, I do agree with princess xx