Boyfriend

I've been having a really big issue with my boyfriend. He highly disagrees with plastic surgery and certainly not on me. I have been bringing this topic up for about a year now and we even went on a 3 month break because of it. So he said he'll suck it up and try to deal with it. But he's so embarrassed for me that he said he wouldn't even want to go out with me in front of his friends and parents.

I have explained to him so many times that this is for me only and I'm only getting them 230 CC and i'm currently an A. It won't be a big difference on me because I usually wear padded bras anyways.

So I'm currently 2 weeks away from my surgery date. I'm so close!!
We had a huge fight this morning. He said that he is dispensable. Because I rather choose to have BA than to be with him. He doesn't understand why he thinks that I would rather choose to "get more attention", which is not why I'm doing it. He made me feel so horrible that it seems like I'm making myself more attractive and not caring about what his feelings and values are = our relationship in the future. Now if anything I think that our life would be better (in bed) plus I would have the confidence that I always wanted about my body.

He said he is willing to do anything so I don't have to get a BA. I sat there the whole morning without saying a word.... and agreed to him that I won't do it..

Now I'm so sad. I've been waiting all this time to get a BA. I've waited for the best surgeon in my area, which was about a year. I've booked time off from work.

And I told him I'm not doing it anymore......

Has anyone had this problem before? Did you choose BA over your BF vice versa? If you did get a BA and you bf disapproved, how was your relationship after?

I need so advice. I know this issue has hurt him a lot and I finally agreed with him to not do it. But now I'm sad.

You poor thing hunny having all this stress on you when you're two weeks away. It sounds like he is very insecure about it, and about the fact that it might mean you're attempting to get attention from other men. He probably doesn't realise that you won't end up looking like Pamela Anderson, no matter how much you tell him otherwise.

I really don't think you should cancel though. I know you love him, but imagine how much you will resent him in the future when you've wanted this for so long, and you'll still be wanting it, and he's the only thing stopping you. Realistically, YOU'RE not saying it's him or the boobs, he's saying that. I love my OH to bits, and 95% of the time we're fine, but when it comes to an argument he's very very smart at twisting everything to make me feel like crap about myself, even when it's over something that isn't true. It's taken me a long time to learn to see through what it is that he's saying and get at what he actually really means, but please don't listen to you boyfriend saying that you're attention seeking because that says more about him than it does you.

I genuinely feel for you being put in such a tough position, but what good will it do your relationship if you deny yourself something that makes you feel as bad about yourself as it does?

You have to find a way to communicate with him exactly what it is that you're doing. I can tell that you've tried already, but maybe try one last time, and tell him that you want him to be a part of it, because you need his support, and that you want him. Tell him that (I always use this analogy) if he had a big brown wart on the end of his nose that he was extremely conscious of, he wouldn't want to live with it every day and you would never stop him from changing that. Tell him that you love him and that it doesn't mean you'll stop loving him, it just means that you'll be able to get closer to him because you will be happier with yourself, and that's all you want. Make sure he understands that having boobs doesn't mean that you're hanging them on display for the world to see, it just means that you can wear the clothes that suit your size and that you don't have to see an 11 year old picking up the same sized bra as you anymore (that one happened to me).

If you're completely open and honest with him, and he still won't listen, then I don't know what you should do, because only you know what's most important to you, but I really do think that you would end up terribly resenting him for forcing you to cancel an operation that will make you feel so much better about yourself.

Sorry it's so long hun, but I hope I've said something that might be remotely useful!

Some other girls might feel that you should get rid of him altogether, but of course that's entirely up to you. Let us know how you get on!

LL
x

Aww hun, sending you big hugs.
Personally I also think that he's worried about you getting loads of attention. Men don't really understand what it's like. Boobs are not just about sexuality, it's about getting clothes to fit and feeling like a normal woman.
Show him some pics of smaller boob jobs so he can see you won't end up all fake looking. I don't think you should break up with him, but I think if you cancel the op you will end up regretting it and blaming him. It's your body, and he should respect that.
Let us know how you get on with it all
Much love xxx

Wow that was really helpful!

I'm still very emotional right now and that gave me a drop of tear.

I've tried so hard and so many times explaining how I feel that I don't know what to say anymore. But I will talk to him one last time.

I feel like I will resent him and I know I will hate my self for giving this up but I don't want him to feel what he feels as well. Because what if I do get them done. Our relationship might get worse and if I don't get them done, I would be sad as well because I want him by my side through all of this. I want to share my confidence with him (If that makes sense)

At the same time, I don't want to bring this subject up again since I just told him this morning that I'm not going to get them. Now he's going to think I said that just to shut him up. and that I was lying the whole time.

I'm sorry I'm going on and on about this. I just wish he was supportive like many of your bfs.

lindylou22: I just noticed that today is the day!!! I'm so excited for you! Have you already gotten them done?

Yeah, I had them done at 8am this morning!! I highly recommend it ;-)

I think if you had them done, especially 230cc, he'd be wondering what all his fuss was about and get over it the second you walked in the door!! I mean, realistically maybe you shouldn't lie to him about it, but if you let him sulk for a couple of weeks I'm pretty sure he'd get over it very fast once they were done and his fears were allayed. All I'm concerned about is that you'll probably need a bit of support after your op just to wash your hair and things, so will you have someone to do this if he's not willing?

LL
x

Hun, it's not fair that your boyfriend is manipulating you like this, if he cared about you then he would listen and try to understand how you feel. If you really want something in life then you should go get it. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I'd say just do it! he is obviously extremely scared of losing you as he thinks your doing this for more attention which is bringing out his own insecurities, thats his problem .. not yours!
Its no different from him stopping you wearing make up, or shaving your legs or dying your hair anything that makes you feel more attractive.
he may sulk for a while and maybe be nasty but i think you should do it if its what you want, and if he does finish things with you then its his loss he's lost the girl he cares about and also a new pair of fab boobs. What is his loss is someone elses gain! :D xxxxxxxxx

Heya hun, i really feel for you right now. My boyfriend was exactly the same when i told him i was getting a BA. But luckily enough for me, he realised how much being flat chested affects me and my confidence. Its been a really big issue for me for years, as i'm sure it is for you too. You really need to get across to him what this means to you, tell him exactly what goes through your head when you have to wear those massively padded bra's and how un-feminine you feel when you look in the mirror. I wouldn't stand for it for a second, he's being extremely selfish and clearly is insecure himself if he thinks you're doing this for attention. He should love you no matter how you look, or what you do. Please don't give up on your dream! Good luck hun xxxx

Sorry hunnie, but he's acting like a spoilt brat who bullies other kids in the playground if he can't get his own way. He doesn't own you, you should be a partnership. If you give up on your dream, this relationship will not survive as you will end up hating him for denying you what is your right over your own body. Does he want you to be unhappy, to lack any confidence in yourself and the benefits that self confidence will bring to your relationship.
Take control of the situation, tell him why you are doing it (I know you've probably explained it umpteen times already, but sometimes men can be a little slow on the uptake) - but you need to be firm with him and also tell him that if continues to try and deny you your right to decide what to do with your own body, then the love that you have for him will slowly, but irrevocably, turn to hate. He might throw a tantrum, but ignore it and say if he truly cannot understand why you feel so unhappy, then he cannot love you like he says.
Give into him now, the next thing he will be telling you what you can and cannot wear, where you can go, will separate you from any friends.
Good luck hunnie, stay strong
xx

Carol has it!!!! If you want it. Do it. It is YOUR body!!!!!

Hey Girl,

I soooo know how you are feeling. I actually was with my last boyfriend for five and a half years. Wanting to get my boobs done was something I had wanted many years before him even. I didn't bring it up when we first started seeing each other but as time went on and I was getting older (I'm late 20's now) I wanted to get them done. I was in the same prediciment as you, my ex was insecure about me getting them and took it personal. It actually has nothing to do with your guy. It's all about you and how you feel.

Do it. Don't put it off. He should support you. When I met my husband, I told him right from the get go - here's what is important to me. It sounds silly but it's happening. He has been so supportive and come with me to all of my appointments & taken days off to keep me company. Anyone who loves you will know, you are going to make choices that they can't necessarily understand but they will trust that if it's your decision, it's fine.

I'm a little mad right now to even read what you went through because honestly, I could hear the whole argument in my head that you probably had. You have all of us girls on here to support you. I have never read anyone regretting their BA's and I've looked to find it. I only have read of people like me who regret putting it off for so long.

I wish you all the best with this one. Please message me any time for advice or whatever because I totally relate.

xoxoxo

I am really feeling for you. It makes me sad for you and mad at the situation you are being put in. No one has a right to tell you what to do hun. If you let him dictate to you now it will only get worse. AND IT WILL! My hubby keeps telling me this will not change the way he feels about me and I think he would prefer I did not do it but he understands it is for me and has been very supportive in driving me 2 hours to and 2 hours from my appointments. If you let him have his way this time on such a big matter it won't belong before he is insisting "his" way on something else. You need to do some soul searching for yourself and see what YOU want. YOU are the only one that matters at this point. He is is worth keeping he will respect "YOUR" wishes.
Best of luck.

misf1 wrote:Hun, it's not fair that your boyfriend is manipulating you like this, if he cared about you then he would listen and try to understand how you feel. If you really want something in life then you should go get it. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Great advice from misf. I can't really add anything to that.

Have you been with him a long time? Is he this controlling over other areas of your life?

I think you should still go through with it, if its what you want and know that even if you put it off now you'd still want it down done the line then there is your anwser. I know it must be hard with him acting like he is but its your body and your life and you must do whats best for you. Think about it this way if a really good job came along and you had to move away would you let him stand in the way or would you take the job? I know its difficult but you need to put yourself first. x

I dunno what id do if my boyfriend was really against it. it would definitely influence my decision if it was a long term boyfriend, although it would depend quite how strongly i felt about it.

Hiya

I think all the ladies here have totally summed this up perfectly. You must do what is right for you, it is your body. As long as you reassure him that you love him and only him then he has to trust you and if he doesn't then this will always rear it's ugly head. What if you go for another job in the future and he doensn't approve? He can't control you and he should support your decision. I am fairly sure that if willy extensions were able to be had easily then most men would be signing up!! Go for the operation with or without his support and show him that you are a strong independant woman who knows her own mind....and body! Good luck and I'll be thinking of you xxx

You need to do what you want to do in my opinion. He is testing you and this is too big for you to let go, unless it is on your terms. You have booked the surgeon for a year, its not like this is a last minute thing. I have always done things for other people too and it has taken me until my 30s to finally do things for me. It is really liberating. If he is a good boyfriend he will see how much this means to you. Good luck x

Great Advice from all the ladies hun xx

Hope you manage to work things out one way or the other xx

I would personally get it done, if it's what YOU want xx If it's not what he WANTS, then he is not worth keeping IMHO xx

I spent a lot of my twenties pleasing someone else and now as I approach 40 I regret that A LOT xx I resent that person for their controlling manipulative behaviour more than I can put into words xx Don't be like me xx

I don't like the fact that he said that he'd be embarrassed in front of his mates and parents about you. They wouldn't even need to know unless you wanted them to know. A sure sign of being self-orientated. He's hell-bent on making himself the centre of this. Are you aware of this? Do you think he's aware of this? Coz if he is, then that's straight up manipulation with you on the receiving end.

Another thing, if you want to get them done he must have the inclination that you have a confidence issue. And it kinda seems that he is aware of that enough to threaten to leave you. Like he knows that you may lack confidence. So he's giving you an ultimatum using your lack of confidence. He may see that you are doing this to gain confidence in your body. And then using this lack of confidence and self-assureness that you have now to try to get you not to do it, simply by threatening to leave you. That would mean that he'd be your source of confidence. And he would know it. Because it seems like he sees this as some weird kind of competition between himself and a BA in making you feel secure. And if you feel he's manipulating you now, just imagine what he'll do when he's won.

Now couple that with your resentment and total disappointment with not having your BA. What is the realistic outcome of you not going through with this? What will it mean for how the two of you will end up relating to each other?

iampetite, I hope you are ok today.
It's very hard to hear negative things about your relationship, but in all honesty you CANNOT let him force you into not having it done. I went away after reading your post feeling really bad for you.
If you split up before cos of it, and you got back together cos he said he was going to suck it up, then he needs to keep his end of the bargain.
You know it's not so you can go flashing your boobs in people's faces, it's a confidence thing. He needs to know that too. Perhaps he is just having cold feet so close to the surgery, but you can't let that put you off your dream. I think if you call his bluff and tell him you are having it done anyway, he will come around in the end. We are all here for you as you can see. I hope you can find the time to reply and let us know what has happened and how you are getting on with it all.
My boyfriend has been supportive about my BA, BUT he has been very subdued these past few days. I asked him yesterday what was wrong with him and he said it's cos he's worried I'll run off and leave him (yeh right, just cos I got me some boobs?! I'm still me! lol!) and also he's a bit sad cos I won't be 100% the girl he fell in love with, i'll never be the same. Well, I told him I'll be the new and improved me, and he never got upset when I dyed my hair blonde or got a new tattoo... anyway, in my rambling way, what I'm saying is that men can be complete tools sometimes, and take things to heart when there's no need.
You just need to make sure your boyfriend KNOWS you are not giving up on the BA for him, or for anyone. GOOD LUCK! xxxx

abbie wrote:Have you been with him a long time? Is he this controlling over other areas of your life?

I've been with him for 3 years and a half and he use to get jealous but not anymore. He's not controlling but he has his limits.

Omg you girls are amazing, every post I read encourages me to fight for myself. I want to reply to every single one of them but I would ramble for too long. I unfortunately haven't had a chance to chat with him yet. We have busy work schedules. But I will keep all of you girls' words in mind.

It seems like it's either me or him and I don't want that. I want to go thru my op with him. I'm going to speak with him again and wish me luck

I will keep you all posted. Thank you so much for your support. This forum has been so helpful!

OMG what a selfish person, can he not see that you are not happy. YOU should go ahead for you, there is no guarantees that you will still be together if you don't have the BA, live for you not for him, only you can make yourself truly happy